The Art Of Forgiving

by: Donna Wright 

If you’re currently holding a grudge or not forgiving someone for something said or done, consider this: Accepting an apology and offering forgiveness may be good for your health and longevity. 

Someone might think, “I’ll never bury the hatchet.”  But not forgiving could be hurting you, not the other person, in the long run. You see, recent research on the health benefits of forgiveness shows that people who forgive could even live a longer, healthier life. 

What is Forgiveness? 

Forgiveness is basically “letting go” of negative feelings, resentment, and continuous punishment towards another person regarding a situation that you hold them accountable for.  

Keep in mind, forgiveness does not mean that you condone the action, harm, or offense done to you. Instead, it’s a conscious act of simply releasing negative feelings (easier said than done) towards a person. And forgiveness does not mean that you’re doing so to make the other person feel better. 

Hint: Forgiveness in not a “one size fits all” process and there are many factors involved. 

Scenarios Leading to Unforgiveness 

Often times, a disagreement or heated situation begins innocently and then leads to an extended grudge. In fact, it can start as a simple misunderstanding or a “he-said, she said” type of indirect gossiping. Other times, direct harm may have been involved and an uncomfortable situation is the result.  

Unforgiveness escalates as you become convinced that the other person should take the ultimate blame. The only way to consider forgiveness is to stop telling yourself that what was done by the other person is inexcusable and forgiveness is not justified. 

Someone may view withholding forgiveness as a deserved punishment. However, heed this warning; That same inability to forgive could backfire and ultimately have long term health and psychological effects on you and your lifespan. 

Benefits of Forgiveness: Science-Backed Health and Psychological Benefits 

What if I told you that the theory of forgiveness affecting longevity is backed by science and research? Would you then consider forgiveness? Before you make a quick response and say “no”, you may want to read on and learn how scientific studies did prove how forgiving others, and yourself, can improve your overall wellness.  

Let’s delve into some of these science-backed benefits of forgiveness. 

Forgiveness Promotes Physical Health: Reduces Stress and Improve Heart Health 

When you think about the energy you put into holding a grudge and not forgiving, you must understand that’s adding unnecessary stress on your physical body. According to Hopkinsmedicine.org, studies have found that the act of forgiveness can reduce stress, lower the risk of heart attack, improve blood pressure, cholesterol levels, sleep, and reduce pain. So, forgiveness brings health benefits! 

The effect of forgiveness to lower stress levels is one that should be taken seriously. As per a published study in the Journal of Health Psychology, the feelings of anger and resentment elevate cortisol, the “stress hormone.” High levels of cortisol in the body can be detrimental to health by causing high blood pressure, high sugar, a weakened immune system, weight gain, muscle weakness, fatigue, and other symptoms. 

However, according to the Journal of Health Psychology, individuals who performed forgiveness practices reported lower levels of stress compared to those who held grudges. That means if you take action to forgive, your physical health could benefit. By reducing the emotional stress connected with a lack of forgiveness, you can reduce stress and improve overall physical wellness. 

If you’re still not convinced, according to a study from the American Journal of Cardiology, individuals who forgive can lower blood pressure and improve heart function. The act of forgiving reduces emotional stress which is good since stress has a direct impact on cardiovascular issues. It’s no secret that anger can immediately raise blood pressure and hypertension certainly can increase the risk of heart disease. 

Forgiveness Enhances Immunity 

Continually holding a grudge against someone may seem like the right thing to do, but those negative feelings could make you sick. Research performed at the University of California, indicates that people who forgave showed higher levels of disease-fighting antibodies. Negative-minded people had weakened immunity because they were continually in a “fight or flight” mode. Your immune system is vital as it defends the body against bacteria, toxins, and viruses. So, forgiveness may improve immunity, your body’s defenses against illnesses, infections, and diseases, critical elements of longevity. 

Forgiveness Promotes Mental Health and Well-Being 

Forgiveness helps reduce stress-impacted physical conditions and stress-induced mental health issues (like anxiety). According to Harvard Health Publishing, studies show that people who hold grudges are more likely to experience severe depression and post-traumatic stress disorder, as well as other mental health conditions. 

By forgiving, you mentally shift negative feelings of ill-will to positive feelings and emotions. The healthier your thought process becomes, the better you’ll keep anger in check and manage conflict resolution. The sooner you forgive, the better for your mental health. You see, mental health does affect your physical health and thereby impacts your longevity. Practicing forgiveness promotes positive emotions such as happiness, joy and contentment, emotions that could help you enjoy a long, fulfilling life. 

Forgiveness Strengthens Social Health Through Relationships 

Forgiveness is an important step toward repairing relationships. Oftentimes, lack of forgiveness leads to a long-term avoidance not only with the one person that did you wrong but also with others. Just think about the social events that you’re thrust into knowing the unforgiven person is attending as well. You both make everyone in the room uncomfortable and it’s high-level awkwardness. As time goes on, you will no doubt begin to lose those other relationships as well. No one will want to hear you rehashing the 20 reasons why you can’t forgive the person. 

According to research noted in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, letting go of past hurts through forgiveness replaces negative emotions with positive emotions to a point that others will happily recognize, thereby helping improve all relationships in your life. By showing others that through forgiveness, you are giving the other person a new chance to prove themselves, you in turn are doing the same for yourself. Having solid relationships in your life can help your overall well-being that may help you live a longer, happier life. 

The Challenges of Forgiveness 

While forgiveness has numerous benefits physically, mentally, and socially, we must point out that doing so is not “cookie cutter” or easy. Long term grudges and grievances along with major  past trauma can certainly bring serious challenges to burying the hatchet.  

Sometimes a break in trust or physical harm weighs heavily on one’s mind, so forgiving is a hard pill to swallow. There may be a reoccurring thought process that despite forgiveness, the situation can happen repeatedly. While that is totally understandable based on the intensity of the original issue, you must remember the impact that not forgiving will have on your long-term health and longevity. 

Sometimes the challenges of forgiveness and the negative feelings toward the offending person grow over time. But even under these circumstances, forgiveness is not impossible. 

First some observations about forgiveness: 

:: Forgiving doesn’t erase what happened. 
:: Forgiving doesn’t mean you condone or excuse the behavior. 
:: Forgiving doesn’t mean you take the blame. 
:: Forgiving is not to make the other person feel better. 
:: Forgiving is not to appease the pleas from those around you. 
:: Forgiving doesn’t make the initial hurt and disappointment go away. 
:: Forgiving doesn’t mean you have to let someone back in your 
life or give them another chance to hurt you. 

Here’s what forgiveness can do: 

:: Forgiveness stops negative emotions, including the desire for revenge. 
:: Forgiveness stops the need to punish. 
:: Forgiveness stops the feeling of resentment.  
:: Forgiveness stops the continuous judgement. 

Forgiveness allows you to replace negativity associated with revenge, punishment, resentment, and judgment, with love, compassion, kindness, and other positive feelings. Substituting negative thoughts with positive feelings, thoughts, and behavior will improve your mental health and reduce the stress hormones associated with certain health risks. 

How Can You Begin the Forgiving Process? 

So, now that we’ve established that forgiveness improves well-being, where do we  start? When hours, days, months, and perhaps years of anger and resentment have fueled our thoughts, how can we turn that negativity around? 

There are no two “forgiveness-related” situations that are exactly alike just as there are no definitive ways to forgive. However, there are some starting point suggestions that may help … 

:: Acknowledge your overall feelings about the situation; anger, disappointment, hurt, etc. 

:: Recall the scenario about what happened and contemplate what the other person was thinking (or not thinking) when it happened. 

:: If you can’t recall all the details about the upsetting event, ask an innocent bystander in your circle of friends, family, or colleagues that witnessed the situation. 

:: When you’re ready to discuss the situation with the person with whom you’re holding a grudge, communicate calmly, rationally, and honestly about your feelings. 

:: During communication, allow the other person to share feelings and thoughts on the situation, a chance to clarify any misunderstandings. 

:: Make the decision to forgive as a way of improving your overall well-being. 

:: Do your best to let go of the negative feelings regarding the original situation. 

:: Continually remind yourself about what will be gained by forgiving, including the ability to renew positivity in your daily life while strengthening relationships around you. 

Sometimes during the forgiving process, you begin to see the scenario from a different perspective and realize how a misunderstanding can escalate into an unhealthy journey. Oftentimes, the act of forgiveness brings a sense of peace and relief. 

Feel the Freedom of Forgiveness To Benefit Your Health And Longevity 

Every story of forgiveness is a unique journey. However, forgiveness yields positivity. And positivity can improve physical and mental health, especially related to the heart, stress hormones, and the immune system. Your overall health is a vital key to longevity. 

Remember, forgiveness doesn’t allow you to exist like the initial situation never happened. You will never forget what happened. But starting the forgiveness process within your own mind will remove negativity from your current life and bring you more good health, more peace of mind, and – maybe even – a longer life.